Diminishing Fire or '3-min' rule?

Dragged everyday. Be it course or work. It's really bad. Really unprofessional and attitude of me i feel. I was actually stoning and very disinterested in meetings. As much as i try very hard to focus, in my mind its like.."this is meaningless"..."why-the-hell am i doing all these!?"...*couldnt be bother*..."DUHZ"... As one who used to be a learner, i actually dreaded the course. I am totally not interested in the networks field..but im supposed to be there to build my breadth. Playing a fool.

Then i look at the newbies who just joined us. Asking questions, making effort to understand and enthusiastic...reminds me of myself when i just joined. Super enthu and happy to go courses, attend workshops, sharing sessions and exploring new tools. After just 1+ yr, the mind jus get super lazy to even wanna learn more...alot of secondary duties which im lazy to do...where had all that fire gone? Superbad...

Then was talking to my colleague who just transferred to another place. She raised a very interesting point which i have neglected. That is, technical side does indeed fetch higher pay, however, it also means more shit. We nodded vigorously. Coz i was complaining of all the stupid processes, reports and submissions i have to go through and do which i thought was my job scope in my previous appointment. Back then, only need to do shit A. Now, need to do A + B + C + shit A + shit B + shit C + CCA + secondary duties + house-keeping. Ok lah. Not supposed to complain. Im being paid to do all these extra shit!

Been thinking. How come i used to do all those shit part-time and bo liao jobs yet im happie back then and able to survive thru it all. It doesnt matter to me whether the job is meaningful or made me happie. Satisfaction? wat satisfaction? Yet now, while im fortunate enough to get a decent job, im very discontented. Job satisfaction, fulfillment, money, advancement and etc come into picture. Complicates alot and it is making my head giddy. Earning just that $4-6/hour was sufficient enough to make me happy....yet earning so much more now isnt. wth......y cldnt i remain back then? i dun mind selling bananas or standing around to sell me smiles....at least, im so much more happier when im done. My life was so fulfilled back then. So meaningful. So fun. LOtsa aspirations.

And then it happened my mom was telling me yday..." 做 人 要 有 希望, 活 着 才 有 意义..... 要 敢 做梦, 梦 才 会 实现"....first, i have no hope = no point living right? second, i no longer have dreams/aspirations = thus im going nowhere...then later on she said.."做 人 要知足长乐..".....hahaha...its a tug-of-war in my mind manz......i couldnt make up my mind wat to think...and so, im still stuck.... Im really too tired trying to strike a balance. Im tired of fighting. Im tired of trying....